wat I cannot comprehend anymore..

Read 2 of my friends blog.. one in chinese, the other in english.. I could read almost every word of the chinese blog.. could feel the anguish and disappointment and yet the helplessness... J call me yesterday... she was upset by turn of events.. ask me how I was, what am I doing... sigh... L is doing very badly.. sigh.. ask me if I have talk to feo and lai.. something I have not done as they have heard all the turn of events from others, when the irony of it.. they knew me more...why?? why??

Been almost a month.. since the break-up.. it was on a sat. we were at my place... She knew I was lying to her abt meeting A, I avoided meeting my friends and my ex-colleagues, leaving her to meet them instead.. I knew everything I did was wrong.. but I enjoy every moment of it.. I think I stop thinking of me being in a relationship. She was talking as normal still trying. I feel like a heartless sick in head retard... I open my window to smoke.. while she was trying to sleep.. I will always remember her look when I told her that I have been lying..... abt going to events but was all just to meet A.. so it is over? she says.. I told her.. I cannot bring myself to lie to her anymore.. dun wan too.. I enjoy gog out with A. I shifted my guilt of lying and iresponsiblity to her, not fair to her at all.. where all the promises of being frank and truthful to each other...? I have forgotten and lost the heart... 4 years.. of memories I have kept and not cherish...

after the break-up.. everything was in a daze... everything seems to be ride with guilt.. sunday nite.. j was at my colleague place. she was sleeping after some wine.. I call my colleague to see if she is ok..(wat a stoopid thing to do hahaha). My colleague was crying and shouting at me.. She was so disappointed in me.. why I am doing this, why i am throwing all this for trying to be free??(or am I?) and of all person me??.. I was in my car waiting for sally.. I break down.. never cry that much for ages.. I cry with no sounds coming out.. I never felt so much pain and sadness even when kim broke up with me.

Why I am doing it?? regret? yes.. no turning back I know.. why I ask for a patch few days later?? I was trying to ease the my disappointment and guilt by hoping to try to make it right... (stoopid moron).. cannot think straight at all.. J rejected me outright . telling me it is okie.. we should get on with our life.. and even we can help each other to move.. no angry no screaming and no slapping me (hahahaha not her anyways). She rejected me because she knows I dun love her the same anymore as much as I try too, I cannot.. it hurts that she knows me so well..

Friends around take turns to talk to us.. go out with us.. A has been hanging out with us almost every nite.. drinking and having fun... She is not the factor that cause me to give up my relationship.. she is rather the catalyst... A is very old for her age.. we talk abt many things.. abt our childhood, how we treat people and characters.. she have a wary heart..very sad for her age. .. she very charming but it the uncompleteness in her that draws me to her... makes me wan to know her better.. but in a relationship.. I dun know.. but does it matter??.. I am dysfunctional.. I dun even know myself (hahahaha). J moves on.. as strong as she can.. she is doing fine.. I am glad. Pray all the best for her...

wat goes around comes around..what I have started lead to string of unpredicted events.. H broke off her 4 year for A.. .. H told me... I saw it coming.. knowing her for so long.. but glad she was honest and frank to tell me.. sigh.. how messy..how do i feel? very sad.. .. why the turn of events? hahaha.. really karma?? I dun know.. as sensitive it is now.. I trying to keep everything as lighthearted as we can.. I know what H is going thru.. the irony is I dun know how to comfort her without feeling the pain.. sigh...

why people confuse themselves and make lives harder as it already?? I give up something that is steadfast for something that give mes no logical sense but it still makes sense?? wahaahaha.. I pray the best for all of us.. that what ever the outcome.. we still have the friendship.. the bond.. I cannot bring myself to lose them.. even though I have push them away and buried myself...