wat I cannot comprehend anymore..

Read 2 of my friends blog.. one in chinese, the other in english.. I could read almost every word of the chinese blog.. could feel the anguish and disappointment and yet the helplessness... J call me yesterday... she was upset by turn of events.. ask me how I was, what am I doing... sigh... L is doing very badly.. sigh.. ask me if I have talk to feo and lai.. something I have not done as they have heard all the turn of events from others, when the irony of it.. they knew me more...why?? why??

Been almost a month.. since the break-up.. it was on a sat. we were at my place... She knew I was lying to her abt meeting A, I avoided meeting my friends and my ex-colleagues, leaving her to meet them instead.. I knew everything I did was wrong.. but I enjoy every moment of it.. I think I stop thinking of me being in a relationship. She was talking as normal still trying. I feel like a heartless sick in head retard... I open my window to smoke.. while she was trying to sleep.. I will always remember her look when I told her that I have been lying..... abt going to events but was all just to meet A.. so it is over? she says.. I told her.. I cannot bring myself to lie to her anymore.. dun wan too.. I enjoy gog out with A. I shifted my guilt of lying and iresponsiblity to her, not fair to her at all.. where all the promises of being frank and truthful to each other...? I have forgotten and lost the heart... 4 years.. of memories I have kept and not cherish...

after the break-up.. everything was in a daze... everything seems to be ride with guilt.. sunday nite.. j was at my colleague place. she was sleeping after some wine.. I call my colleague to see if she is ok..(wat a stoopid thing to do hahaha). My colleague was crying and shouting at me.. She was so disappointed in me.. why I am doing this, why i am throwing all this for trying to be free??(or am I?) and of all person me??.. I was in my car waiting for sally.. I break down.. never cry that much for ages.. I cry with no sounds coming out.. I never felt so much pain and sadness even when kim broke up with me.

Why I am doing it?? regret? yes.. no turning back I know.. why I ask for a patch few days later?? I was trying to ease the my disappointment and guilt by hoping to try to make it right... (stoopid moron).. cannot think straight at all.. J rejected me outright . telling me it is okie.. we should get on with our life.. and even we can help each other to move.. no angry no screaming and no slapping me (hahahaha not her anyways). She rejected me because she knows I dun love her the same anymore as much as I try too, I cannot.. it hurts that she knows me so well..

Friends around take turns to talk to us.. go out with us.. A has been hanging out with us almost every nite.. drinking and having fun... She is not the factor that cause me to give up my relationship.. she is rather the catalyst... A is very old for her age.. we talk abt many things.. abt our childhood, how we treat people and characters.. she have a wary heart..very sad for her age. .. she very charming but it the uncompleteness in her that draws me to her... makes me wan to know her better.. but in a relationship.. I dun know.. but does it matter??.. I am dysfunctional.. I dun even know myself (hahahaha). J moves on.. as strong as she can.. she is doing fine.. I am glad. Pray all the best for her...

wat goes around comes around..what I have started lead to string of unpredicted events.. H broke off her 4 year for A.. .. H told me... I saw it coming.. knowing her for so long.. but glad she was honest and frank to tell me.. sigh.. how messy..how do i feel? very sad.. .. why the turn of events? hahaha.. really karma?? I dun know.. as sensitive it is now.. I trying to keep everything as lighthearted as we can.. I know what H is going thru.. the irony is I dun know how to comfort her without feeling the pain.. sigh...

why people confuse themselves and make lives harder as it already?? I give up something that is steadfast for something that give mes no logical sense but it still makes sense?? wahaahaha.. I pray the best for all of us.. that what ever the outcome.. we still have the friendship.. the bond.. I cannot bring myself to lose them.. even though I have push them away and buried myself...

A change

Been going out.. dun talk very much about it.. most of my friends around.. glad that they are understanding.. even J is understanding.. puts me to shame.. me in a change where I dun wan to rational and proper.. i dun even have a direction, just enjoying the days.. feels free... maybe I was like that all along but take so many turns to find out...

lost a treasure

You know when you are young and when you got a new toy.. you get very excited and happy and the day seems so blissful.. as age grows.. your days become months.. you crave for things that can excit you..but you never happy.. you make stupid decisions.. that you cannot understand but you have to do it... you get your strength from friends.. you move on.. but the end of the day.. you live yourself.. you do things not to regret not to hurt.. but in the end its all the same.. you still hurt and you still regret....

Finally... hahahaa

Halo... Guys... yes.. the long awaited blog... hahahaa... yes.. sundaynews found my blog.. wats the odds man.. hahahaa.. back to work today.. damn sian,, sleepy too... a bit peaceful.. hmm.. calm before the storm?? oh well.. wednesday basketball onz??? need to work out man.. have been eating and drinking. yucks... okie.. signing out...

my new start

Going to start work on june 1st.. wish me luck.. yucks.. wahaha.. big company... always been with small company.. this is my first head in job into a big company.. hope I have made a good choice.. oh well...

had dinner with serene and her new gf pearly and the whole bunch of us.. steamboat... serene was late. and gusess wat.. they bump into noel and the Gf.. think they too were gog steamboat.. but she chicken out and went to PP instead.. knowing all of us is here.. so typical

pearly has just got a job.. as a IT trainee.. in Creative.. no need interview.. coz her mum friend is the dept head.. wah.. but she has been brand as the spy so basically no one is really toking to her... tat very good for a start though... but she really nice.. a bit like a joker but can see very young.. very sticky to serene... think much much better than noel... at least she is bot cunning.. wahaha... after steamboat dinner.. we went siglap for pictionary... wahahah... pearly could draw very well.. not bad for a beginner....

when we arrive at siglap.. we had 9 persons with 5 cars.. lynn, me, dot, serene, pris.. drove too siglap.. parking became a problem..... there was lots of car plus ours.. we had to park on double yellow.... then shan and eunice.. came.. with 2 cars.. tat make 7 cars.... we manage to squeeze 7 cars with 6 carparks lots.. I think however want to park for the nite can forget it we were discussing.. .. if everyone came with their own car... me, hedy dot sally lynn shan eunice pris feo lily serene and pearly.. tat 12 cars.. think we have to pile on top each other man.. plus if jess is getting a new car next year.. tat it 13 lucky number... and the strangest things.. we only have black and red cars.... I think we need to look for other place man.. wahaha...

I am.... BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back from the rustic lombok... was there for 5 days.. first 2 nites stay at novotel lombok.. very nice, clean and full of atmosphere.. the staff was very friendly.. but if you walk out to the streets of lombok you will see a very drastic change.. only street lights is in the hotel itself.. the road where the locals stay is dim with a small bulb.. or candle.. most are farmers and cowherds.. very poor.. they will sell anything to tourists.. from coconuts to sarongs to earn a buck or so..

3rd day day we took transfer to another island.. gili trewangan.. one of the 3 islands away from lombok... stay in this fantastic place call villa ombak.. gives us a better feel.. so rustic.. http://www.hotelvilaombak.com/rooms/index.htm... check out the website.. a very small town.. no cars or motorbikes... only cidemos.. or horse carts.. the whole town is only like one road which stretch abt 1 km I guess... our resort is at the end of the road.. so we just walk out and along the roads are bars, cafes open by australians.. very nice and relaxing... they are built along the beach so when nite falls they look very calm and peaceful...food is cheap 4 pax will cost abt US$20.. includes drinks side dishes and main courses... beer are like US $1 !

overall. me was not very tan.. but burnt due to my white skin.. but love the sun though the relax mood... so ease... having sand all over your feet all the time... it is good to do tat once a while before you return to the high rise and highways of singapore..

feel refreshed before plunging into 9 to 5 work..

getting ready for my NEW JOB next wed.....yucks.. fingers cross.. wahahah

abrupt end and a new beginining

Today is a very gloomy day... in the office.. tear brimming in people eyes.. there is going ot be an general meeting at 3pm. To break the news.. they are confirming closing the office. The whole company.. right down to my boss... guess life like tat man.. sucks big time.... I have actually resigned last month... but still the impact is still painful, all rather a sense of disappointment and helplessness.

I have found another job, starting work in June instead, but I still feel... wat a pity, the people here are so nice, so helpful and family... sigh.. guess I can start work early over there afterall....

Many will suffer the impact.. one of the us is giving birth, another just brought a brand new condo, a car, newborn baby... sigh.. how cruel but yet realistic, we have been merging mags and cutting down pages in the mag, reducing costs, employing contract work. sigh... sometimes life can be drastic, so abrupt...

I feel blessed as I have a job, Know tat God is protecting me and blessing me and my family. I pray tat all my colleagues and friends will be protected and guide along the rocky path.